can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
