My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
