spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Randomize
