I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
