i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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