You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
