apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I have aggressive nipples.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
