omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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