dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
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