The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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