What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
