Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
