I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
