i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
