i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
