I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
