im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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