i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
