It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
