That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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