i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
