sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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