Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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