Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
