I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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