I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
