My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
