Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Randomize
