listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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