note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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