I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
