1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
