Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
