Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
