drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
