I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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