Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
