ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
