They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
