he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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