I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
