did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Randomize
