Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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