I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
