I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
