That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
