My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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