The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
