I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
