Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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