remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Welp...herpes.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
