Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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